Catching up...

So. I blew it. I gave up. I am finished. I am not dieting anymore.

I have had it.

No, it really wasn't like that at all. I was starting to see results, I really wanted to continue... But... It is so hard to do something when the rest of your family doesn't. I only have so much willpower. I know that God uses our weaknesses to make us stronger, which really just makes me feel worse about it, like now I have truly let God down too.

...

I just need to try to limit what I put in this mouth of mine. More good, less bad. Drink more water - yuck! Limit the Pepsi - oh how I love it! You get my drift, I'm sure. You all know my pain.

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I have started my new business. I am an independent consultant for Homemade Gourmet®. This is my personal website www.homemadegourmet.com/molliedirig. This company is here to help bring friends and families back to the table. I am so excited about this new chapter in my life! I have my Cook Off this Tuesday. I can't wait to see where God leads me with this venture!

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We went to service tonight at the Chapel. Something my pastor, Rick Hawks, said didn't quite settle with me. As you may know, I am on medication for depression and anxiety. Mostly anxiety. He was talking about how God leads us through the storms of life, not over it, under it, around it, etc, but through it. How we as Christians (and non-Christians, too) sometimes think that we are shielded from the bad things because of our faith, that we are protected from them, when in fact God told us that we will have trials and tribulations. It is how we deal with them that should be the difference. "When I'm weak, You make me strong" as the lyrics and scripture go. He mentioned something about depression, how we are spiritually unwell... Even now as I try to type my thoughts, I am still unsettled.

Am I doing this to myself? If I were in the Word more, talking to Him, singing to Him, living with and for and through Him, would I still be plagued with this madness that pummels through my brain? Is this a consequence of some ill or rash decision that I once made?

I am unsure of myself now. I thought that I was doing alright. I don't like that I have to take a medication, but I am honest enough with myself to know that I am not perfect, that my reactions to my family, friends and life are not ideal. So I take a daily med.

Does that make me weak? It shouldn't. But at the same time, yes, I feel weak. I feel inadequate. I feel as if I am not "right" on my own, that I need something or someone to help me be "right" or "normal".

Sigh.

Will you pray with me?

Heaven help me. Father God, oh Abba! You know what I need. You know me, my thoughts, my going out and coming in even before I know it myself. I ask you tonight, O Lord, to show me the way You wish for me to go. Do I need this medicine? Is there another way for me to deal with this issue? What is Your will? I pray that I would hear Your message loud and clear and more than that, that I would implement whatever it is that You say. In Your Name I pray, amen.